West Philippine Sea Shenanigans

When Generals Drool But Don’t Patrol – A Hilarious Look at Military Incompetence through the Lens of Pigeons and Pooches

BAYBAY CITY, PHILIPPINES – June 29, 2025 – In the never-ending saga of the West Philippine Sea (WPS), a new theory is emerging that sheds light on the baffling phenomenon of military leadership’s, ahem, “strategic disinterest” in the region. Prepare yourselves, folks, because it involves pigeons, drool, and a healthy dose of Pavlov’s drool-inducing dog biscuits.

Enter B.F. Skinner, the Pigeon Whisperer (and Accidental Military Consultant): You might know Skinner for his operant conditioning experiments, which basically involved training pigeons to peck at buttons for food pellets. Turns out, this same theory can be hilariously applied to the behavior of certain high-ranking officials when it comes to the WPS. Here’s the gist:

• Stimulus: The juicy sight of Chinese fishing vessels merrily plundering our waters.
• Response: Absolutely nothing. Zilch. Nada. Our generals, bless their cotton socks, seem to suffer from a strange form of paralysis when faced with this particular stimulus.
• Reinforcement: Now, this is where it gets interesting. The lack of any response (read: no action taken to defend our territory) is somehow seen as a positive by these leaders. After all, rocking the boat might lead to…gasp…work!

Pavlov’s Pooches Join the Party: Remember Pavlov and his drooling dogs? Well, substitute drool for inaction, and dogs for certain military leaders, and you have a recipe for the WPS version of classical conditioning. Every time these leaders witness inaction being “rewarded” (i.e., no international blowback, no need to actually do their jobs), their resolve to…well, not resolve anything…strengthens.

The History of Hilarity: A Look Back at Pigeons Gone Rogue The first documented case of this “strategic laziness” can be traced back to the Great Pigeon Caper of ’97. During a particularly blatant case of illegal fishing, a flock of pigeons (suspected to be communist sympathizers) pooped all over a general’s freshly polished shoes. Traumatized by the avian assault, the general, instead of deploying the navy, spent the next week developing a highly ineffective (and frankly, hilarious) pigeon repellent using glitter and disco music.

The Takeaway: Don’t Be a Pigeon, Demand Action! So, there you have it folks. The next time you see a Chinese vessel sauntering into our territory like it owns the place, remember Skinner’s pigeons and Pavlov’s pooches. Don’t let our military leaders become conditioned to inaction. Demand action! Demand patrols! Demand they at least dust off those mothballed warships! After all, a little healthy competition – even with pigeons – might be just the kick in the pants they need.

WPS.News would like to remind our readers that this is a satirical piece. We do, however, wholeheartedly advocate for the strong and decisive defense of our territorial waters.